Just a couple of random jokes...

[jjkusaf]

Murphy’s Laws of Combat

1. You are not Superman.
2. Recoilless rifles aren’t.
3. Supressive fire won’t.
4. Friendly fire isn’t.
5. If it’s stupid, but it works.....it’s not stupid.
6. Don’t look conspicuous, it draws fire.
7. Never draw fire, it irritates everyone around you.
8. When in doubt, empty the magazine.
9. Your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.
10. If your attack is going really well, it’s an ambush.
11. All five second grenade fuses are actually three seconds.
12. Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.
13. The easy way is always mined.
14. When you have secured an area, don’t forget to tell the enemy.
15. Incoming fire has the right of way.
16. If you are short everything except enemy, you’re in combat.
17. No combat ready unit ever passed an inspection.
18. No inspection ready unit ever passed combat.
19. Teamwork is essential, it gives the enemy other people to shoot at.
20. If the enemy is in range, so are you.
21. Anything you do can get you shot, including nothing.
22. Tracers work both ways.
23. The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
24. Beer math for an “A”-team: 2 beers X 12 men = 49 cases.
25. Professionals are predictable, but, the world is full of amateurs.


A horse and a chicken...
are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking!

A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse
to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can
stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and
said, "Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up." And the chicken did
and pulled himself to safety.

The moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.

From "A Woman's Little Instruction book":

1. If you think the way to a man's heart is through his stomach you're
aiming too high.
2. Woman don't make fools of men -- most of them are the do-it-yourself
types.
3. The best reason to divorce a man is a health reason: you've got sick of
him.
4. Never trust a man who says he's the boss at home. He probably lies
about other things too.
5. A woman's work that is never done is the stuff she asked her husband
to do.
6. If you want a nice man go for a bald one -- they try harder.
7. Go for younger men. You might as well -- they never mature anyway.
8. A man who can dress himself without looking like Wurzel Gummidge is
unquestionably gay.
9. Men are all the same -- they just have different faces so you can tell
them apart.
10.Definition of a man with manners -- he gets out of the bath to pee.
11.Whenever you meet a man who would make a good husband, you will
usually find that he is.
12.Scientists have just discovered something that can do the work of five
men -- a woman.
13.There are a lot of words you can use to describe men -- strong,
caring, loving -- they'd be wrong but you could still use them.
14.Men are like animals -- messy, insensitive and potentially violent --
but they make great pets.
15.Men's brains are like the prison system -- not enough cells per man.
16.There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men -
"don't" and "stop".
17.Husbands are like children -- they're fine if they're someone else's.


Politically correct references to women.

She does not:
GET PMS
She becomes:
HORMONALLY HOMICIDAL

She does not have
A KILLER BODY
She is:
TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE

She is not:
A BAD COOK
She is:
MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE

She is not:
A BAD DRIVER
She is:
AUTOMOTIVELY CHALLENGED

She is not:
EASY
She is
HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE

She does not:
HATE SPORTS ON TV
She is:
ATHLETICALLY BIASED

She does not have:
SEXY LIPS
She is:
COLLAGEN DEPENDENT

She does not get:
DRUNK
She is:
ACCIDENTALLY OVER-SERVED

You do not ask her:
TO DANCE
You request a:
PRE-COITAL RHYTHMIC EXPERIENCE

She is not:
A GOSSIP
She is a:
VERBAL TERMINATOR

She does not:
WORK OUT TOO MUCH
She is an:
ABDOMINAL OVERACHIEVER

She does not have:
A GREAT BUTT
She is:
GLUTEUS TO THE MAXIMUS

She is not
HOOKED ON SOAP OPERAS
She is:
MELODRAMATICALLY FIXATED

She is not:
COLD OR FRIGID
She is:
THERMALLY INCOMPATIBLE

She does not:
WEAR TOO MUCH MAKE-UP
She is:
COSMETICALLY OVERSATURATED

She does not have:
GREAT CLEAVAGE (A GREAT RACK)
Her breasts are:
CENTRALLY LOCATED

She will never:
GAIN WEIGHT
She will become:
A METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER

She is not:
A SCREAMER OR MOANER
She is
VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE

She does not:
SHAVE HER LEGS
She experiences:
TEMPORARY STUBBLE REDUCTION

She does not have:
A HARD BODY
She is:
ANATOMICALLY INFLEXIBLE

She does not:
SUN BATHE
She experiences:
SOLAR ENHANCEMENT

Her breasts will never:
SAG
They will:
LOSE THEIR VERTICAL HOLD

She does not:
CUT YOU OFF
She becomes:
HORIZONTALLY INACCESSIBLE

She does not have:
BIG HAIR
She is:
OVERLY AEROSOLED

She does not:
SNORE
She is:
NASALLY REPETITIVE

She does not:
GET DRUNK
She becomes:
VERBALLY DYSLEXIC

She does not have:
BIG HOOTERS
Her:
CUPS RUNNETH OVER

She is not:
TOO SKINNY
She is:
SKELETALLY PROMINENT


The Lemon Squeeze

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man
around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.

The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a
glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more
drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried over time ( weight lifters, longshoremen, etc.)
but nobody could do it. One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing
thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice,
"I'd like to try the bet."

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a
lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind
to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total
silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell
into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the
little man," what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a
weight lifter, or what?"

The man replied, " I work for the IRS."

[Mike Henry Jr]

1. If you think the way to a man's heart is through his stomach you're
aiming too high

lmao :lol:

[Ryan Spaulding]

Those are funny. Good find(s) JJK!

[wix19]

:D Funny stuff. I like the Horizontially (In)Accessible.

[cjt3viper]

LOL :lol:

[jjkusaf]

If Santa Answered His Mail Honestly.....

Deer Santa,

I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. I'v ben a gud boy all yeer.

Yer Friend, Billy

Dear Billy,

Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawncare. How about I send you a book so you can learn to read and spell? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell.

Santa

Dear Santa,

I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!

Love, Sarah

Dear Sarah,

Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?

Santa


Dear Santa,

I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.

Love, Teddy


Dear Teddy,

Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me send you some Legos instead.

Santa


Dear Santa,

I want a new bike, a Playstation 2, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.

Love, Francis


Dear Francis,

Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays. I bet you're gay. I'll set you up with a Barbie.

Santa


Dear Santa,

I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.

Love, Susan


Dear Susan,

Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of Scotch.

Santa


Dear Santa,

What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?

Your friend, Thomas


Dear Thomas,

All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know.

Santa


Dear Santa,

Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song?

Love, Jessica


Dear Jessica,

Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house.

Santa


Dear Santa,

I really want a puppy this year. Please, please, please, PLEASE, PLEASE could I have one?

Love, Timmy


Dear Timmy,

That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again.

Santa


Dearest Santa,

We don't have a chimney in our house. How do you get into our home?

Love, Marky


Dear Mark,

First stop callling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your ass whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like the boogeyman does, through your bedroom window.

Sweet dreams,

Santa

[Mike Henry Jr]

Dear Teddy,

Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane.

lmao!! theres some really good ones there! :roxs:

[Matito29]

First stop callling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your :cen: whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like the boogeyman does, through your bedroom window.
Hahahaha :lol:

[cjt3viper]

LMFAO!

[jjkusaf]

A mother and her son were flying "Southwest Airlines" from Kansas to
Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his
mother and said, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby
cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the
stewardess. So the boy asked the stewardess , "If big dogs have baby dogs
and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The stewardess asked, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" He said that
she had. So she said, "Tell your mother that Southwest always pulls
out on time."

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AN, I'M GLAD I'M A MAN, MAN

Everyday I give thanks to God
I was born a man instead of a broad
When Oprah comes on, I turn off the TV
I don't shave my legs, I stand up to pee
I go to a barber, not a beauty salon
Don't pluck out my eyebrows just to draw them back on
Don't wax my pubes so I can wear shorts
I use my turn signal, I understand sports

Man, I'm glad I'm a man, man
Tell you the reason I am
I don't go through a phase every 28 days
Man, I'm glad I'm a man

I pay cash at the grocery, no checks or coupons
Don't take a lot of friends when I go the the john
I don't throw a fit when I break a nail
I don't buy a lot of shoes just because they're on sale
I don't apply makeup in my rear-view mirror
I don't think of Bambi when I'm out hunting deer
I drink beer from a bottle, not from a glass
I don't ask my friends about the size of my ass

Man, I'm glad I'm a man, man
Tell you the reason I am
I don't face the pain of water-weight gain
Man, I'm glad I'm a man

Let me tell you ladies
Listen to me ladies
I love those things inside of your blouse
I love your pretty faces
Your warm and soft embraces
But if I had my own two boobs, I'd never leave the house

I don't spend two hours getting ready for a date
I don't play with dolls unless they inflate
When someone asks me my age, I never lie
After sex in bed, my spot's always dry
I don't read about orgasms in Vogue magazine
I don't mind if my dates try to get in my jeans
I don't spend a fortune on French lingerie
This is the same underwear I wore yesterday

Man, I'm glad I'm a man, man
Tell you the reason I am
I don't take a pill, I don't use Massengill
Man, I'm glad I'm a man

Man, I'm glad I'm a man, man
Tell you the reason I am
I find Michael Bolton completely revoltin'
Man,I'm glad I'm a man


The response...


I'm Glad I'm A Woman

I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am
I don't live off of Budweiser, beer nuts and Spam
I don't brag to my buddies about my erections
I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions
I don't get wasted at parties and act like a clown
and I know how to put the damned toilet seat down!
I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt
my belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut
and I don't go around "readjusting" my crotch
or yell like Tarzan when my head-board gets a notch
I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind
I'm a woman you see -- I'm just not that kind!

I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing
I don't have body hair like shag carpeting
It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back
When I lean over you can't see 3 inches of crack
And what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb
I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome
Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side
I'm a woman, you know -- I've got far too much pride!
And I honestly think its a privilege for me
to have these two boobs and squat when I pee
I don't live to play golf and shoot basketball
I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal
I won't tell you my wife just does not understand
stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band
or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep
then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!

Yes, I'm glad I'm a woman, a woman you see
you can forget all about that old penis envy
I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for chicks
join The Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick
I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful it's true
I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man like you!

you can forget all about that old penis envy
I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for chicks
>join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick
>I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful it's true
>I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man like you!




A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich.
He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead.
As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, "Hey! Where are
you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your
sandwich!" The panda yells back at the manager, "Hey man, I'm a
PANDA! Look it up!"

The manager opens his dictionary and sees the following definition
for panda:

"A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by
distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."

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Q: " What do you get when you cross a donkey with a bermuda onion?"
A: " A piece of ass that makes your eyes water!"

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A husband and wife step into the hospital. The wife is in much pain
and is about to deliver a baby. The doctor says to the couple, as
he is readying her for labor: "I've got a new machine that transfers
the pain from the mother to the father."

"I'll try it," says the husband. "I'll start you off at 10%," says
the doctor, while smirking about what the husband is in for. The
machine transfers 10% of the pain to the father. After a minute or
so, the doctor finds out the husband feels fine. So the doctor ups
it to 20%. Still, the husband feels nothing. The doctor is baffeled,
when the husband still feels fine. So, the doctor ups the pain
transfer to 30%.

Throughout the course of 5 hours, the pain transfer had eventually
gone up to 100%, while the husband still felt fine.

A couple days later, when they came to bring home the baby, they
found the mailman dead on the porch.

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Michael Jackson was with his wife when their first baby was born. He
took the doctor aside and asked him how long it would be before they
could have sex. They doctor told him it would be best to wait until
the kid was at least twelve or thirteen!!

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A fellow appears at the gates of heaven. There is Gabriel standing
there, as is his role. Gabriel says to him, after paging through the
book,....."well.....not too sure what to do with ya here my friend...
you haven't really done anything all that BAD....But you haven't
really done anything all that GOOD either ! Gabriel says to the man....
"tell ya what...If you can come up with a real good thing you've done....
if you can think of anything....YOUR IN!"

Hmmm.......thinks the man.....Ok....How about this.....what about the
time, I was driving down that country road and came upon those 200
nasty bikers that were harrassing that bus full of nuns that had
stopped to picnic on the side of the road.....

Gabriel looked at the man and said...Well...what did you do? Well,
said the man...I went up to the biggest meanest nastiest one in the
bunch....ripped off the guys earrings one by one, and whacked him on
the head with the tire iron I was carrying...and turned and yelled
to the rest of them ...You saw what I did to your scumbag friend....
any one ELSE want a Piece of me!!!!!!

Gabriel, paging furiously through his book of deeds said....and WHEN did
this happen?

The man replied........
Oh.....about 2 minutes ago

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A sixty-four-year-old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, when
a young man walks by and asks him what's wrong. Through his tears
the old man answers, "I'm in love with a twenty-two-year-old woman."

"What's wrong with that?" asks the young man. Between his sobs and
sniffles, he answers, "You don't understand. Every morning before she
goes to work, we make love. At lunchtime she comes home and we make
love again, and then she makes my favorite meal.In the afternoon when
she gets a break, she rushes home and gives me oral sex, the best an
old man could want. And then at suppertime, and all night long, we
make love." He breaks down, no longer able to speak.

The young man puts his arm around him. "I don't understand. It sounds
like you have the perfect relationship. Why are you crying?"

The senile old man answers, again through his tears, "I forgot where
I live."

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A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience
would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the
same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The
captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the
magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the
middle of the show:

"Look, it's not the same hat"
"Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table"
"Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades ?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all,
the captain's parrot. One day the ship had an accident and sank. The
magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean
with the parrot, of course. They stared at each other with hate, but
did not utter a word. This went on for a day and another and another.

After a week the parrot said: "OK, I give up. Where's the boat?"

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A Southern gal and a woman from New York meet at a party. The Texas gal
says, "Hi! Where y'all from?" The New Yorker sticks her nose in the air
like she's checking for rain, and replies, "Where I come from, we don't
end our sentences with a preposition." The Southern gal says, "Fine. Where
y'all from...bitch!"

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Yesterday scientists in the USA revealed that beer contains small
traces of female hormones. To prove their theory they fed 100 men
12 pints of beer each and observed that 100% of them started talking
nonsense and couldn't drive.

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A principal of a small middle school had a problem with a few of
the older girls starting to use lipstick. When applying it in the
bathroom they would then press their lips to the mirror and leave
lip prints.

Before it got out of hand he thought of a way to stop it. He
gathered all the girls together that wore lipstick and told them he
wanted to meet with them in the ladies room at 2pm. They gathered at
2pm and found the principal and the school custodian waiting for them.

The principal explained that it was becoming a problem for the
custodian to clean the mirror every night. He said he felt the
ladies did not fully understand just how much of a problem it was and
he wanted them to witness just how hard it was to clean. The custodian
then demonstrated. He took a long brush on a handle out of a box.
He then dipped the brush in the nearest toilet, moved to the mirror
and proceeded to remove the lipstick.

That was the last day the girls pressed their lips on the mirror.

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A nun gets into a cab in New York. She demurely says in a small, high,
voice, "Could you please take me to Times Square?" In a thick Brooklyn
accent the cabbie initiates conversation, "Hey sista, that's kinda a
long drive? You mind if we, like, chat?" The nun says, "Why no my son,
whatever is on your mind?"

The cabbie, "About dis celibacy thing. Are you telling me you never
think about doin' it?" The nun, "Why certainly, my son, the thought
has crossed my mind a time or two. I am of weak human flesh you
understand." The cabbie, "Well, would ya ever consider, you know,
doin' it?" The nun, "Well, I suppose under certain conditions, in a
very unique circumstance, I might consider it".

The cabbie says, "Well, what would dose conditions happen to be?" The
nun says, "Well, he'd have to be Catholic, unmarried and well, certainly
he could have no children."

The cabbie says, " Well, sista, today is your lucky day...I'm all three..
Why don't youse come on up her..I won't even make you really break your
vows. All you gots to do is go down on me."

The nun looks around...they are awfully far away from where anyone would
recognize her. At the next light, she gets into the front seat with the
cabbie.

By the next light, the nun is getting back into the back seat of the cab
and the cabbie is smiling from ear to ear. As she settles in, the nun
hears the cabbie begin to laugh. The nun inquires, "Why my son, what is
so hilarious?"

The cabbie sneers, "Sista, I got ya. I'm Protestant, married and I gots
four kids."

And from the back seat of the cab comes the nun's low voiced response...
"Oh yeah, well, my name's Dave, I'm gay and I'm on my way to a costume
party."





The cabbie, "Well what would dose conditions happen to be?" The nun,
"Well, he'd have to be Catholic, unmarried and well, certainly he
could have no children." The cabbie, "Well, sista, today is your
lucky day. I am all three. Why do youse come on up here...I won't
even make you really break your vows. All you gotta do is go down on me."

The nun looks around....they are awfully far away from where anyone
would recognize her. At the next light she gets into the front with the
driver.

By the next light, the nun is getting back into the rear of the cab,
>and the cabbie is smiling from ear to ear. As she settles in, the nun
>hears the cabbie begin to laugh. The nun inquires, "Why, my son, what
>is so humorous?"
>
>The cabbie sneers, "Sista, I got ya. I'm Protestant, I'm married, and I
>got four kids."
>
>And from the back of the cab comes the nun's low voiced response,
>"Yeah,well my name's Dave and I'm on my way to a costume party.

[Mike Henry Jr]

:lol: some really good ones there

[jjkusaf]

47 Facts About Women

1. Women love to shop. It is the one area of the world where they feel
like they're actually in control.

2. Women especially love a bargain. The question of "need" is irrelevant,
so don't bother pointing it out. Anything on sale is fair game.

3. Women never have anything to wear. Don't question the racks of clothes
in the closet; you "just don't understand".

4. Women need to cry. And they won't do it alone unless they know you can hear them.

5. Women will always ask questions that have no right answer, in an effort
to trap you into feeling guilty.

6. Women love to talk. Silence intimidates them and they feel a need to
fill it, even if they have nothing to say.

7. Women need to feel like there are people worse off than they are.
That's why soap operas and Oprah Winfrey-type shows are so successful.

8. Women don't need sex as often as men do. This is because sex is more
physical for men and more emotional for women. Just knowing that the man *wants* to have sex with them fulfills the emotional need.

9. Women hate bugs. Even the strong-willed ones need a man around when there's a spider or a wasp involved.

10. Women can't keep secrets. They eat away at them from the inside. And they don't view it as being untrustworthy, providing they only tell two or three people.

11. Women always go to public restrooms in groups. It gives them a chance to gossip.

12. Women can't refuse to answer a ringing phone, no matter what she's
doing. It might be the lottery calling.

13. Women never understand why men love toys. Men understand that they wouldn't need toys if women had an "on/off" switch.

14. Women think all beer is the same.

15. Women keep three different shampoos and two different conditioners in the shower.

16. After a woman showers, the bathroom will smell like a tropical rain
forest.

17. Women don't understand the appeal of sports. Men seek entertainment
that allows them to escape reality. Women seek entertainment that reminds them of how horrible things *could* be.

18. If a man goes on a seven-day trip, he'll pack five days worth of clothes and will wear some things twice; if a woman goes on a
seven-day trip she'll pack 21 outfits because she doesn't know what she'll feel like wearing each day.

19. Women brush their hair *before* bed.

20. Watch a woman eat an ice cream cone and you'll have a pretty good idea about how she'll be in bed.

21. Women are paid less than men, except for Modeling.

22. Women are *never* wrong. Apologizing is the mans responsibility, "It's there in the bible". hmmm who was it that gave Adam the apple?

23. Women do *not* know anything about cars. "Oil-stick, oil doesn't
stick?"

24. Women have better restrooms. They get the nice chairs and red carpet.

25. The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A
man would not be able to identify most of these items.

26. Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't
looking, men kick cats.

27. Women love to talk on the phone. A woman can visit her girlfriend for
two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.

28. A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the
garbage, answer the phone, read a book, or get the mail.

30. Women will drive miles out of their way to avoid the possibility of
getting lost using a shortcut.

31. Women do NOT want an honest answer to the question, 'How do I look?'

32. PMS stands for: Permissible Man-Slaughter. (Or at least men think it
means that. PMS also stands for Punish My Spouse.

33. The first naked man woman see is "Ken".

35. Women are insecure about their weight, butt and breast-size.

36. Women will make three right-hand turns to avoid making one left-hand turn

37. "Oh, nothing," has an entirely different meaning in woman-language
than it does in man-language.

38. Lewis Carroll's Caterpillar had nothing on women.

39. Women cannot use a map without turning the map to correspond to the direction that they are heading.

40a All women are overweight by definition, don't argue with them about it.

40b All women are overweight by definition, don't agree with them about it.

41. If it is not Valentines day, and you see a man in a flower shop, you
can probably start up a conversation by asking, "What did you do?"

42. Women want equal rights, but you rarely hear them clamoring to be let
into the draft to cover the responsibilities that go with those rights.

43. Only women understand the reason for "guest towels" and the "good
china".

44. If a man ticks off a woman she will often respond by getting a fuzzy
toilet cover which warms their rear, but makes it impossible for the lid
to stay up thus it constantly gets peed on by the guys. (which gets them in more trouble)

45. Women never check to see if the lid is up. They seem to prefer taking
a flying butt leap towards the bowl and then chewing men out because they "left the seat up" instead of taking two seconds and lowering it themselves.

46. Women can get out of speeding tickets by pouting. This will get men
arrested.

47. Women don't really care about a sense of humor in a guy despite claims to the contrary. You don't see womens trampling over Tom Cruise to get to Gilbert Gottfried do you?

[Mike Henry Jr]

18. If a man goes on a seven-day trip, he'll pack five days worth of clothes and will wear some things twice; if a woman goes on a
seven-day trip she'll pack 21 outfits because she doesn't know what she'll feel like wearing each day.

:lol: thats funny, yet the truth, yet scary that it is the truth. :lol:

[cjt3viper]

LMAO some of those are too good :roxs:

[Matt Bergeron]

LMFAO :roxs:

[RobbyFan]

26. Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't
looking, men kick cats.

42. Women want equal rights, but you rarely hear them clamoring to be let
into the draft to cover the responsibilities that go with those rights.


:lol: :lol:

[jjkusaf]

Now before the jokes, a homsi is a person who lives in homos (a city in Syria). Like the blonde jokes in the U.S. in the middle east we have homsi jokes so here they are:

1- A Homsi, a Russian, and an Italian go to a mashine that beeps everytime you tell a lie. First out is the Russian:
-"I think I'm beautiful!"
BEEP!
The goes the Italian:
-"I think I'm smart!"
BEEP!
Finally it's time for the Homsi:
-"I think..."
BEEP!

2- There was a German, an American and a Homsi on death row. The Warden gave them a choice of three ways to die:
1) to be shot,
2) to be hung,
3) to be injected with the AIDS virus.

The German said, "Shoot me right in the head." (Boom...He was dead instantly).

The American said, "Just hang me."
(Snap...He was dead).

The Homsi said, "Give me some of that AIDS stuff".

They gave him his first shot and he fell down laughing, the guards looked at each other and The Homsi said "give me another one of those shots" , so the guards did, now he was laughing so hard he almost peed in his pants. Finally the Warden said, "What the hell is wrong with you?"
The Homsi replied, "You guys are so stupid. I'm wearing a condom!"

3- A teacher asked a homsi: Can you tell me 5 animals that live in water? He responded: 2 fishes and 3 sharks

4- A Homsi ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.
"Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."

5- You have just received a Homsi virus. Since we are not so technologically advanced in Homs, this is a MANUAL virus. Please delete all the files on your hard disk yourself and send this email to everyone you know.

6- A homsi was in the airport of usa, the policeman there starts to ask him questions:
Policeman: Name?
Homsi: Tarek Korchy
Policeman: Age?
Homsi: 45
Policeman: Where are you from?
Homsi: Syria
Policeman: Sex?
Homsi:4-5 times a week
Policeman: I don't mean that, i mean male or female?
Homsi: male, female, it doesn't matter, sometimes with a camel.

7- A defence minister was coming to visit Syria once and our defence Minister was telling our honour guard soldier to fire 21 shots once the guest appears from the plane, a Homsi soldier asked him, "Sir what if I hit him from the first shot shall we continue shooting".

8- A Homsi and a friend were about to depart together in the same double-decker bus from Damascus to Allepo. The friend goes to the bottom level and the Homsi goes to the top of the bus. An hour into the journey, the Homsi shouts down to the friend and asks him how long till he'll get to Allepo. The friend says that they've been on the road for an hour already so it won't be long till they get there. Surprised, the Homsi says "You're so lucky, our driver isn't even here yet!

9- One homsian joins the suicide bomber squad. He is given a mission to commit suicide in the enemies camp, his leader supply him a lot of weapons and bombs stacked to his body and mobile for communications.

He lands up in the enemy's camp, called his boss:
- Sir, there are 2 enemies soldier , can I suicide now ?
Leader: no, not for two , wait till you see more soldiers.
-Sir now there are 25 can I do it now
Leader: wait for more
-Sir , now I am in a midst of 100 soldiers , can I suicide now .
Leader: yes, go ahead, you will be a martyr, don't worry about your family, we will look after .
Then the homsian pulls his knife and stabs himself in his chest.

10- One day the people in Hama ( a city in Syria) felt sorry for the Homsi's that everyone was making fun of them. So they said we'll make ourselves look dumber than they are, but how, what should we do to look dumber than them? So after so thinking they decided to build a Dam in the desert. After it was completed they called the Presidents of Lebanon, Jordan, and Eygpt and said come look how stupid we are we built a dam in the desert. So when all the presidents came to see the dam, they saw the Homsi's sitting on top of it FISHING!!!

[jjkusaf]

*Ring-Ring*

"Hello?"

"Hi, honey, this is daddy," ... "Is your mommy near the phone?"

"No, daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank,"

After a brief pause, daddy says, "But you haven't got an Uncle
Frank, honey!"

"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with mommy, right
now!"

"Uh, Okay, then...here's what I want you to do. Put down the phone,
run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and yell out to mommy and Uncle
Frank that daddy's car's just pulled up outside the house."

"Okay, daddy!"

A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone.
"Well, I did what you said, daddy."

"And what happened?" he asks.

"Well, mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on
and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went flying out the
front window and now she's all dead."

"Oh my God!!! And what about your Uncle Frank?"

"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared
and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool... but he must have
forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of
the swimming pool and now he's all real dead too."

***long pause***

Then daddy says, "Swimming pool??? Wait a minute... is this 328-9874?"

[Mike Henry Jr]

lmfao! thats a good one :lol:

[Wheelnut]

ROTFLMFAO! :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

[mlsmartin#6fan]

ROFLMAO! :lol:

[Matito29]

An overworked businesswoman finally got a much-needed vacation. She went to Miami. One day, she decided to work on her tan, but as she looked out her hotel window, she could see that the beach was packed and decided to go up on her hotel roof. She went up there and after a few minutes, she noticed that nobody else was up there, and decided to take her top off. After a few minutes, she flipped over and was laying on her stomach. Not too long after that, a man dressed in a hotel shirt came up to the roof. She simply grabbed a towel and put it over her. The man walked up and said to her "Maam, Im going to have to ask you to put your top back on." She replied "Why? Ive been up here for more than half an hour and there hasnt been a problem until now." He tried his best to muster up the courage to say "Uh, yes, but youre lying on our restaurant sunroof."

[speed29]

An overworked businesswoman finally got a much-needed vacation. She went to Miami. One day, she decided to work on her tan, but as she looked out her hotel window, she could see that the beach was packed and decided to go up on her hotel roof. She went up there and after a few minutes, she noticed that nobody else was up there, and decided to take her top off. After a few minutes, she flipped over and was laying on her stomach. Not too long after that, a man dressed in a hotel shirt came up to the roof. She simply grabbed a towel and put it over her. The man walked up and said to her "Maam, Im going to have to ask you to put your top back on." She replied "Why? Ive been up here for more than half an hour and there hasnt been a problem until now." He tried his best to muster up the courage to say "Uh, yes, but youre lying on our restaurant sunroof."


http://www.clicksmilies.com/s0105/aktion/action-smiley-046.gif

[jjkusaf]

not really a joke...but a video... :)

www.mnrl.net/jjkusaf/zmija.wmv (http://www.mnrl.net/jjkusaf/zmija.wmv)

[Ryan Spaulding]

HAHAHAHAHAHA!

[cjt3viper]

ROTFLMAO

[jjkusaf]

The differences between White and Mexican friends!!

WHITE FRIENDS: Never ask for food
MEXICAN FRIENDS: Are the reason you have no food.

WHITE FRIENDS: Call your parents Mr. and Mrs.
MEXICAN FRIENDS: Call your parents mom and dad.

WHITE FRIENDS: Bail you out of jail and tell you what you did was wrong.
MEXICAN FRIENDS: Would be sitting next to you saying, Damn...we f**ked up...but that s*it was fun!"

WHITE FRIENDS: Have never seen you cry.
MEXICAN FRIENDS: Cry with you.

WHITE FRIENDS: Borrow your stuff for a few days then give it back.
MEXICAN FRIENDS: Keep your shit so long they forget it's yours.

WHITE FRIENDS: know a few things about you.
MEXICAN FRIENDS: Could write a book with direct quotes from you.

WHITE FRIENDS: Will leave you behind if that's what the crowd is doing.
MEXICAN FRIENDS: Will kick the whole crowds ass that left you.

WHITE FRIENDS: Would knock on your door.
MEXICAN FRIENDS: Walk right in and say, "I'm home!"

WHITE FRIENDS: Are for a while.
MEXICAN FRIENDS: Are for life.

WHITE FRIENDS: Will take your drink away when they think you've had
enough.
MEXICAN FRIENDS: Will look at you stumbling all over the place and say,
"Bitch, you better drink the rest of that, you know we don't waste!!"

WHITE FRIENDS: Will talk crap to the person who talks crap about you.
MEXICAN FRIENDS: Will knock them the f**k out!!

[jjkusaf]

Lizard Birthing Story

Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet. Here's what happened:
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.
He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"
I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.
"Honey," I called, "come look at "The lizard!"
"Oh my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies."
"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"
I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't
want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.
"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired.
(I actually think she said this sarcastically!)
"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, in my most
loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).
"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me.
(Again with the sarcasm, you think?)
By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on.
I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous
experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."
"OH, Gross!", they shrieked.
"Well, isn't THAT just Great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny
little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty here, too.
don't you?)
We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear
briefly, vanishing a scant second later.
"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.
"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.
"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
"Okay, okay. " Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next
appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times
with the same results.
"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could
talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)
"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.
We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.
"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.
"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.
"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs.Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"
I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.
"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to
happen... Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron."
We were silent, absorbing this.
"So Ernie's just...just...Excited," my wife offered.
"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood. More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.
"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.
Tears were now running down her face.
"It's just...that...I'm picturing you pulling on its...its...teeny little..." she gasped for more air
to bellow in laughter once more.
"That's enough," I warned.
We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son
back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.
"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.
"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.
2 - lizards - $140...
1 - Cage - $50...
Trip to the Vet - $30...
Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's wacker .... Priceless !

[jjkusaf]

http://img368.imageshack.us/img368/2006/untitledeh6.jpg

[Matito29]

Lizard Birthing Story

Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet. Here's what happened:
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.
He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"
I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.
"Honey," I called, "come look at "The lizard!"
"Oh my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies."
"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"
I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't
want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.
"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired.
(I actually think she said this sarcastically!)
"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, in my most
loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).
"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me.
(Again with the sarcasm, you think?)
By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on.
I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous
experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."
"OH, Gross!", they shrieked.
"Well, isn't THAT just Great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny
little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty here, too.
don't you?)
We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear
briefly, vanishing a scant second later.
"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.
"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.
"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
"Okay, okay. " Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next
appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times
with the same results.
"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could
talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)
"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.
We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.
"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.
"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.
"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs.Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"
I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.
"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to
happen... Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron."
We were silent, absorbing this.
"So Ernie's just...just...Excited," my wife offered.
"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood. More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.
"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.
Tears were now running down her face.
"It's just...that...I'm picturing you pulling on its...its...teeny little..." she gasped for more air
to bellow in laughter once more.
"That's enough," I warned.
We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son
back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.
"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.
"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.
2 - lizards - $140...
1 - Cage - $50...
Trip to the Vet - $30...
Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's wacker .... Priceless !
LMAO! Haha, thats funny right there.

[jjkusaf]

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men
until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
-------------------------------------------------------------------

[jjkusaf]

From CALIFORNIA: (the response from Texas is below)

- I can wear sandals all year long

- I go to the Beach - not "down to the shore"

-Our chicks are WAYYYY hotter than yours. Well...Miami can hang.

- I say "like" and "for sure" and "right on" and "dude" and "totally" and "peace out" and "chill" and "tight" and "bro" and I say them often

- I know what real cheese & avocados taste like

-Everyone smokes weed and its no big deal

-We'll roll up 40 deep when something goes down.

-I live next door to Mexicans, but we call them American's!

-All the porn you watch is made here, cause we f*** better and thats how it is

- I don't get snowdays off because theres only snow in Mammoth, Tahoe, Shasta, and Big Bear

- I know 65 mph really means 100

- When someone cuts me off, they get the horn and the finger and high speed chase cuz we dont f*** around on the road

- The drinking age is 21 but everyone starts at 14 (legally 18 if you live close enough to the border)

- My governor can kick your governors ass

- I can go out at midnight

-You judge people based on what area code they live in, and when asked where you're from, you give your area code

- I might get looked at funny by locals when I'm on vacation in their state, but when they find out I'm from California I turn into a Greek GOD

- We don't stop at stop signs... we do a "california roll". No cop no stop baby!

- I can get fresh and REAL Mexican food 24 hours a day

- All the TV shows you "other" states watch get filmed here

- We're the Golden State. Not the Cheese State. Not the Garden State.....GOLDEN!!!

- We have In-N-Out (Arizona and Vegas are lucky we share that with them)

- I have the most representation in the House of Representatives, which means MY opinion means more than yours, which means I'm better than you [geez.... hahaha]

- The best athletes come from here

*******IF YOU'RE FROM CALIFORNIA, REPOST THIS*******
******IF YOU'RE NOT, GO SIT IN A CORNER AND CRY******

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++



From TEXAS:


Ahem... So.. Um.. yeah... I read this, and thought I would reply...


Hey... California listen up... Texas is where its at!

- I too can wear sandals all year long... plus I can put on boots to stomp your toes and I won't even stick out.

- You may be able to go to the "beach" instead of the "shore"... but can you go to the drive thru "Beer Barn?" What now surfer boy?

- You're chicks aren't way hotter than ours... they are almost equal... and thats only due to silicone, saline, botox, lasers and hair dye... We have the real ones and they can beat yours up.

- We're taught to say "Yes Sir" and "Yes Ma'am" and respect our elders because of it. We also say "Howdy" and "fixin" and "Yall" are pretty much recognized right away anywhere in the world :) We're famous

- You may know what real cheese and avocados taste like... but I know what 100% Grade A Angus Beef tastes like. Who wants avocados and cheese when you can have steak and potatoes?

- Haha... who do you think grows the weed and sells it to you?

- Why roll 40 deep when something goes down if 5 corn fed country boys can get the job done...

- I live next door to americans, but we call them mexicans

- About your Porn.... 3 words... "Debbie Does Dallas"... You can brag about it now, but we started it (imitation is the sincerest form of flattery... you guys know you love us)

- Why would you brag about not getting snow days off?

- I'm smart enought to know 65mph means 65, but our speed limit is 70.

- - When someone cuts me off, they get run over by my big ass truck, then I give them the finger and tell them to go back to California.

- The drinking age is 21, but if you aren't chasin the beer by 1 yr old... you're behind.

- Yeah, Well my governor became the President of the United States... yours isn't even eligible.

- You can go out at midnight? Thats nice, I haven't even come home by then.

- Ok... you said,"You judge people based on what area code they live in, and when asked where you're from, you give your area code" and as hard as I try I have no idea what you're talking about... I think you're watching too much tv.

- Yeah, you'll definitely get looked funny when you come to visit but we have another name for you pretty boys, and its not greek, its french.

- Of course you don't stop at stop signs... none of you can drive.

- You can pick up Real mexican food 24 hours a day huh... well I can swing by home depot and pick up 24 Real mexicans anytime of day. Can you say catering?

- All the tv shows get filmed there... but where does your favorite poker game from? Texas Hold'em anyone?

- You can keep your golden state... We're the Lone Star State...

- Do I have to remind you about the drive thru Beer Barn again? Does In-N-Out serve alcohol? (Oh and did I mention Dr. Pepper was created in Texas?)

- You guys have the best athletes huh?... Two words... Lance Armstrong


Though I could mention MICHAEL JOHNSON - Olympic Sprinter, World record holder in 200m and 400m, 5 Olympic Gold metals, 9 time World Champion (born Dallas, Tx)

- Texas can fly its flag side by side with the U.S. flag at the same height.

- Football is a religion, not a sport

- In Texas, football means football, not soccer.

- 90% of football "movies" you guys are making are about Texas Football.

- Texas is the only state that can still separate to become its own country. The only way California's gonna accomplish that is if another earthquake comes along and you guys sink into the ocean. Can you say Atlantis.... hahaha

Come on Texans Show Your Colors! Repost!

And as the Great Sam Houston once said "Texas could survive without the United States, but the United States could not survive without TEXAS!"

AND as the great davy crocket once said "You can all go to hell, I'm going to Texas"

[whyshouldiwork]

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men
until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
-------------------------------------------------------------------

now that stuff is funny

[whyshouldiwork]

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night
and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a
big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that
after dinner, she would like to go out and make love
for the first time.

* * * * * * * * *

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex
before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get
some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and
the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.
He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and
sex.

* * * * * * * * *

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many
condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family
pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he
thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

* * * * * * * * *

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents
house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm
so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

* * * * * * * * *

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table
where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly
offers to say grace and bows his head.

* * * * * * * * *

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer,
with his head down.

* * * * * * * * *

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

* * * * * * * * *

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the
girlfriend leans over and whispers to the
boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

* * * * * * * *

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your
father was a pharmacist."

[jjkusaf]

http://www.metacafe.com/watch/54702/im_my_own_grandpa/

anyone remember this song?

[j_smith34]

A man is looking in the classified ads for a job. He notices an advertisement for a toothbrush salesman and figured that couldn't be such a bad job. So, he calls in, he goes in and they hire him. The next day, he heads out to a neighborhood to make some sales. Five hours later he comes home and says, "Man, I only sold one toothbrush. That's not enough."

So the next day he goes to a richer neighborhood, thinking maybe those people would buy more toothbrushes. He ends up selling two toothbrushes. So he goes to his boss for advice and his boss says, "Look, you're a great guy and all, but you gotta come up with a gimmick or something."

So the salesman thinks about it, and the next day he sets up a booth near the subway with a sign that says "Free chips and dip." A guy walks over and scoops up some dip and says, "Ugh, this tastes like :cen: ." The salesman replies, "'Cause it is. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

--------

A man goes to the doctor complaining about pain in his elbow. The doctor has him pee in a cup and then takes the sample and dumps it into a small machine. After a few seconds the machine spits out a piece of paper, the doctor looks at it and proceeds to tell the man that he has tennis elbow, to take a few aspirin and to ice his elbow down every night.

The man is pretty incredulous that this machine could diagnose all this from a urine sample, so he decides to test it. That night he goes home and has his wife, daughter, son, and dog all pee in the cup. Then to make it interesting he adds a little motor oil from the car, and to top it off he masturbates into the cup as well. The next day he goes back to the doctor, who puts the sample into the machine. This time the machine churns out a much longer piece of paper.

The doctor looks at it for a while then says, "I have some bad news and some good news. The bad news is that your wife is having an affair, your daughter is pregnant, your son is using heroine, your dog has rabies, and your car needs a new transmission. But as for the good news, if you stop jerking off so much, that tennis elbow should clear right up."

[jjkusaf]

An Alabama couple had 9 children. They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband "fixed". The doctor gladly started the required procedure and asked them what finally made them make the decision. Why after nine children would they choose to do this.

The husband replied that they had read in a recent article that one out of every ten children being born in the United States was Mexican, and they didn't want to take a chance on having a Mexican baby because neither of them could speak Spanish.

[promod]

Defnition: Newfy, a person from Newfoundland, widely considered stupid. (Canadian version of blonde or homsi)

A newfy is driving through Saskatchewan and he decides to pull over next to a wheat field and do some fishing. So he takes his canoe off the top of his car and struggles to paddle it to the middle of the field. Finally he reached the middle and he puts a hook on his line and casts out to try and catch a fish.

Meanwhile another Newfy is driving by and he sees the Newfoundland license plate on the car pulled over and figures they need help. I gets out of his car and looks out into the field and sees the guy in the canoe holding a fishing rod. Hey yells out:
“what are you doing?”

The guy in the canoe says:
“I am fishing”

“You know you won’t find any fish out there in that field”

“Sure I will”

“NO YOU WON’T!. You know it is people like you that give us Newfy’s a bad name…IF I COULD SWIM, I WOULD GO OUT THERE AND KICK YOUR
:moon:

--------



Phathead, jjkusaf and hrt_mike17 are all driving in a car together. The car goes off the road and all 3 are killed. All 3 arrive at the gates of heaven where they are greeted by an angel. The angel says “Welcome to heaven, this is where all your dreams will come true. We only have one rule: DO NOT STEP ON A DUCK!”

The gates open and to their surprise there are ducks EVERYWHERE! Hrt_mike17 steps on a duck almost immediately, the duck quacks and then all the ducks begin to quack. A few days after the angels get the ducks settled down, an angel arrives and tells hrt_mike17 “you broke the rule, you stepped on a duck. As your punishment you will be chained to this hideous woman for all eternity” and the angel chained them together. This woman was disgusting; I mean she looked worse than Steve Gibson.

So mike and his new friend went off on their way…

A couple weeks went by and they were doing good but jjkusaf slipped and stepped on a duck, the duck quacks and then all the ducks begin to quack. A few days after the angels get the ducks settled down, an angel arrives and tells jjkusaf “you broke the rule, you stepped on a duck. As your punishment you will be chained to this hideous woman for all eternity” and the angel chained them together.

jjkusaf went off on his way…

Phathead was doing really good! He went 6 months and did not step on a duck! Suddenly an angel arrived with this BEAUTIFUL woman and chained them together. Phathead did not know what to think, he said: “wow I wonder what I did to deserve this?” Then the woman turned to him and said: “I don’t know about you…but I stepped on a duck”


-------


Whats the difference between Michael Jackson and a garbage bag?

One is black, plastic, and dangerous to children, the other is just a garbage bag

-------

What did Michael jackson say to the priest?

"Back off, i saw him first!"

------

more to come...

[Mike Henry Jr]

wow, never thought id be in a joke before :roxs:

[cjt3viper]

ROTFL awesome :roxs:

[Mike Henry Jr]

Cellphones historically have been like wives: To upgrade to a younger model, it'd cost you.

[promod]

The heaven and duck one is good to tell in a large group of people, if done properly you can burn 4-5 people

[Phathead]

Phathead, jjkusaf and hrt_mike17 are all driving in a car together. The car goes off the road and all 3 are killed. All 3 arrive at the gates of heaven where they are greeted by an angel. The angel says “Welcome to heaven, this is where all your dreams will come true. We only have one rule: DO NOT STEP ON A DUCK!”

The gates open and to their surprise there are ducks EVERYWHERE! Hrt_mike17 steps on a duck almost immediately, the duck quacks and then all the ducks begin to quack. A few days after the angels get the ducks settled down, an angel arrives and tells hrt_mike17 “you broke the rule, you stepped on a duck. As your punishment you will be chained to this hideous woman for all eternity” and the angel chained them together. This woman was disgusting; I mean she looked worse than Steve Gibson.

So mike and his new friend went off on their way…

A couple weeks went by and they were doing good but jjkusaf slipped and stepped on a duck, the duck quacks and then all the ducks begin to quack. A few days after the angels get the ducks settled down, an angel arrives and tells jjkusaf “you broke the rule, you stepped on a duck. As your punishment you will be chained to this hideous woman for all eternity” and the angel chained them together.

jjkusaf went off on his way…

Phathead was doing really good! He went 6 months and did not step on a duck! Suddenly an angel arrived with this BEAUTIFUL woman and chained them together. Phathead did not know what to think, he said: “wow I wonder what I did to deserve this?” Then the woman turned to him and said: “I don’t know about you…but I stepped on a duck”




sweet i got the hot chick :roxs:

[Mike Henry Jr]

yeah, i guess it pays to be fugly sometimes. :moon:

[champkarter1]

alright well I heard it on blue collar and i thought it was funny :moon:

A 1800's battleship is sailing his boat along the coast. The lookout says "Captain, there's an enemy ship on the horizon." The captain replies back "get me my red shirt" "Why?" the lookout asks. "Just get me my red shirt" the captain replies. So the lookout gets him his red shirt. They fight against the enemy ship and completely destroy it. After the battle, the lookout asks "Why did you have me get you a red shirt?" The captain says "That way if I started to bleed, my men wouldn't see that I was bleeding and they would keep fighting." About 10 minutes later the lookout calls "Captain! There's 15 enemy ships on the horizon!" The captain pauses for a second and replies "Get me my brown pants!"

:lol:

[jjkusaf]

A cowboy walks into a bar, and two-steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar.
What the heck," he says to himself, "I really want a drink."

When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, What's the name of your Willy?"

The cowboy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink.

The gay waiter says, I'm sorry, but I can't serve you until you tell me
the name of your "Willy". Mine for instance is called NIKE, for the
slogan,'Just Do It.' That guy down at the end of the bar calls his
SNICKERS, because 'It really Satisfies.'

"The cowboy looks dumbfounded, so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over.

So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of yours?"

The man looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX." The thirsty cowboy
asks, "Why Timex?" the fella proudly replies, 'Cause it takes a lickin'
and keeps on tickin!'"

A little shaken, the cowboy turns to the two fella's on his right who just happens to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you guys call yours?"

The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because "Quality is Job One." "Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford lately?" The guy next to him then says, "I call mine CHEVY.....'Like a Rock!' "And gives a wink!

Even more shaken, the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his manhood!

Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my Willy is 'SECRET'. Now give me a beer." The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why Secret?"

The cowboy says, "Because it's 'Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman!”

[Bacs]

Ok, I know I'm really kicking up a very old thread here, but I wanted to tell a few short jokes I found without creating a double topic. So, if you guys don't mind I'd like to continue this.

What's brown and sticky?


A stick
----------

Two ladies walk into a bar. The third gal looks up and stops.

----------

How do you fit an elephant in a Safeway bag?

You take the S out of Safe and the F out of Way.

----------

This guy enters a bar located at the top of the Empire State Building in New York. It looked like a nice place and he then takes a seat at the bar next to another guy. "This is a nice place, I've never been here before," the first guy says.

"Oh really," the other replies, "it's also a very special bar."

"Why is that?" the first guy asks.

"Well, you see that painting on the far wall? That's an original Van Gough, and this stool I'm sitting on was on the Titanic."

"Gee, that's amazing!" the first guy says.

"Not only that, but you see that window over there, fourth from the right? Well, the wind does strange things outside that window. If you jump out, you'll fall about 50 feet before the wind catches you and you're pushed back up."

"No way, that's impossible," the first guy replies.

"Not at all, take a look," the other man replies and walks over to the window, followed closely by the first man. He opens the window, climbs over the sill and falls out. He drops 10...20...30...40...50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh! He comes right back up and sails back through the window.

"See, it's fun. You should try it!" he says.

"Try it? I don't even believe I saw it!" the first man shouts.

"It's easy. Watch, I'll do it again." And with that, he falls out the window, again. He drops 10...20...30...40...50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh!...he comes right back up and sails back through the window.

"Go ahead, give it a try, it's a blast!" he says.

"Well, what the heck, OK...I'll give it a try," the first man says and proceeds to fall out the window. He falls 10...20...30...40...50...100... 200...300...500...1000 feet and SPLAT!!!!... ends up as road pizza on the sidewalk below.

After calmly watching the first man fall to his death, the other guy casually closes the window and heads back to the bar and orders another drink.

The bartender arrives with the drink and says, "You know, Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk!"

----------

An apple & a banana walk into a bar.

Bartender says: "We don't serve food here."

----------

Why did the cowboy get a dachshund? He was told to get along, lil doggie.

----------

A duck goes into a bar. He says to the barman, "Have you got any bread?"
"No, we've no bread," the barman replies.
"Got any bread?" the duck repeats.
"No, I said we've no bread."
"Got any bread?"
"No."
"Got any bread?"
"No!"
"Got any bread?"
"No, stop asking!"
"Got any bread?"
"Get out!" The barman throws a towel at the duck, and it leaves.
The next day, in comes the duck again. "Got any bread?" Once again it is asked to leave.
This happens every day for a week. One day, the barman sees the duck coming in, and says "Stop, before you ask if I've got any bread, consider carefully. If you ask if I've got any bread, I will nail your feet to the floor."
The duck considers.
"Got any nails?"
"No."
"Got any bread?"

----------

The inventor of the Hokey-Pokey died the other week. They had a lovely service for him until it came to the burial... they put his left leg in, and it all went downhill from there.

----------

A blonde is in the Maternity Section of the Hospital and deep in labour. The nurse enters and smiles at her. "The father is outside, can he come in?"
The mother to be turnes pale and shakes her head. "Oh no! Send him away, my husband is supposed to be here, and they'll kill each other!"

[speed29]

What's brown and sticky?

A stick

what's brown and runny?

usain bolt